Peace Like a River

We live only a few hours south of where Sandy took out her fury. This hurricane was no joke. My heart aches for those that woke up to shambles rather than homes this morning. We were spared the catastrophic damage that many experienced yesterday and last night. I feel fortunate and broken. 

One of the things that amazes me with these storms is the calm that is left once they are gone. You look around and see the effects but the wind and rain are just gone. It's amazing. This morning my children needed to get out of the house so we drove around the area to see what Sandy left behind. I'm sure if we had left a little earlier in the morning there would have been more damage to document but honestly, it wasn't bad. Instead, I was able to get some beautiful fall photos as we drove down a rural road I've actually never been on before :)

When peace like a river

Attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot

Thou hast taught me to say

It is well

It is well

With my soul

Truly, let us keep those affected by this storm in our hearts and prayers. By all means, if you can reach out and help, do it. The Red Cross needs blood. With over 300 cancelled drives that account for over 9,000 units of blood/platelets, the need is great. My heart is heavy for those that have not only lost so much but are also spending their time rescuing and assisting citizens that are facing something they never imagined they would face. Let me encourage you to lift these people up in your prayers/

Big Girl Shoes.

Writing can be a mask. It allows me to hide behind my words. There is no obvious tone or rather, I can create whatever tone I desire. The reader is only exposed to what I choose to put down. Letters in black & white. All the frustrations of the day, fear in my circumstances, joy in my salvation is only revealed to the degree in which I choose. I can be harsh or kind and there is a sense of confidence because you can't see me. My life could be a wreck. I could be a wreck and I could hide behind my words. Appearing to have on my big girl shoes.

Now, if you call me on the phone, you might be able to obtain a better sense of my actual state. Really though, I can mask that with choice words & pull out the fake "happy voice". I mean tell me if you haven't experienced your mom laying into you only to be interrupted by the phone ringing. It's a miracle how she goes from screaming crazy lady to the pleasant christian with, "HI! :D How are you? Busy? Nope, not doing a thing." How she didn't have a stroke from her brain switching gears so quickly still baffles me. :) These days, I am capable of being that mom. I have been that mom. Do I want to be? Super easy to hide behind the lines of a telephone or the strokes of a key board even though my big girl shoes are obviously too big.

So what happens when Sunday morning rolls around, seems like the morning couldn't get any worse & then it does? What happens when shoes can't be found, KEYS can't be found? Kids aren't listening. I buckle a girl into her seat only to realize she pooped in her diaper on the way to the van!? BAAAH! Frustration has hit the ceiling. I walk into church, slap on a smile & hope no one notices what I'm trying to bury under the surface. It takes about a half a second for someone to ask,"Are you okay?" And I am undone. Wishing I was in a bed with blankets covering my head. How did they know? The smile didn't work. They don't really want to know how I am.

Over the years, I have learned something about myself- I cannot hide my heart. At least not face to face.  Especially if I am struggling or annoyed/irritated. To be completely honest, it is NOT intentional that I wear my heart on my sleeve or rather, ALL OVER MY FACE! At moments, I wish I could hide it. Sometimes, I just need a moment to work it out in my head but my face shows the yucky tha t is in my heart-even if just for a moment. That can be really embarrassing. Attempting to run away without making it totally obvious & tripping in my big girl shoes.

As I've grown and learned this about myself, really and truly, I appreciate this feature that God created in me. It forces me to face my issues rather than bury them. Even if I want to ignore it, my face doesn't lie. It tries. It fails. I can't backspace it. I can't white it out. My face is constantly exposed. Vulnerable to the condition of my heart. It doesn't mean I haven't lied and said I was fine when I wasn't. It doesn't mean the person didn't walk away satisfied with that answer. But I know. I know they saw it in my face. They saw my heart. Even if for just a moment.

Jesus says:

So what can I take away from this? What does this mean for me? This truth forces me to look inside and ask myself what it is that I value. Where does my treasure lie? Far too often my treasure is found in convenience. It is found in what I wish I had. It is found in things other than loving Jesus & bringing him glory.

It means, I seek after Jesus more every day. Ask him to make me gentle and kind. Seek him to know him. So that my heart will produce good and not evil. So that my face would show is glory and not my funk. And when things should arise, as they do in this flesh, I keep accounts short and don't attempt to hide in my pride as if I'm better than I am.

Desiring to be 

just.like.Him. 

Knowing when I fall

He will pick me up.

Trusting Him to help me 

fill my big girl shoes.

Puke Prayer Provision

Allow me to begin by saying that things are much, much better this week. Not only has my son been much better behaved... well... today but I am learning to find my peace & rest in the only One that can give it. So, Malakai isn't perfect. Mama isn't perfect. But we're walking this thing together & as I seek the Lord for wisdom and peace, I find answers & regardless of my son's behavior- I can find rest :)

NOW...

I have a bit of a testimony of God's goodness :)

As I mentioned in my last whinefest blog post, we took a little road trip to Kentucky. This installment is all about God's faithfulness & protection for His children.

SO...

Let's begin with my gracious friend, Lynz.

This girl offered to spend $$$ out of her own pocket & leave her precious babies (aka- her doggies) to fly in from KY- after working all day- just to turn around the next early a.m. to make the drive right back where she came from. Some might call her insane, crazy, a loon maybe? She would undoubtably agree with all of those descriptions and is the reason I'm pretty sure she doesn't regret her decision to come. 

Take off was at like 7p and she was supposed to arrive in Baltimore around 11p. Unfortunately, her flight out of ATL was grounded in (I think) North Carolina and sat there until the wee hours due to, as the airlines call it, an Act of God... i.e. crazy, windy storms. Thank the Lord that before any of this happened, my sister who lives only a few minutes from the BWI airport had offered to pick her up & bring her to my house (which is a little over an hour from BWI) in order that I might get plenty of sleep, save us some gas & allow my sis some time w/ her niblings. The plan originally was for her to be at my house & we would leave around 5a the next morning. Needless to say, she didn't make it to my house at all but it all worked out and I just picked her up on the way from my sister's home. Provision #1... actually there's all kinds of wonderful workings through out this whole part of the story but we'll just consider it #1! Yay for sleep and YAY GOD!

So begins our, we'll say, what should be about a 10-12 hour road trip.

Everything is pretty chill for the most part... kids were behaving (or sleeping) and everything seemed great. We were making really good time and managed to make it to our 1/2 way point without stopping. This is especially impressive with a 3 year old's bladder along for the ride. 

When we reached Clarksburg, WV I mistakingly got off an exit early and as I came to the stop sign noticed a fuel smell. I took note of it but I mean really, we've been on the interstate with semi-trucks and vehicles all around, it really wasn't very alarming. We head on down to the next exit and as I get off the interstate for the 2nd time, I noticed the odor again. I asked Lynz if she noticed it (as she was sitting with the kids in the back at this point to entertain until we could get some lunch), she said it was pretty strong back there & had been smelling it for a while. I did what any smart woman with a mechanic for a husband does, called him. He wasn't super alarmed but told me to check and see if anything was leaking when I get out for lunch. Easy enough. This would also be the perfect opportunity to check the oil that I had forgotten to check before leaving my sister's house.

Just as we were literally pulling into the parking lot of Chicken Play (i.e. chic fil a), Ava, who is in the very back, literally empties her stomach of all the berries she had just ingested. I'm pretty sure mom's are not supposed to be grossed out by this stuff by seriously, EW.  I must say, Malakai's 1st car sick vomit tops it by far but regardless, there is nothing like looking back to see a fountain of stomach contents pouring from your child's mouth. (Lynz graciously, and let me note here, she is NOT a mom, cleaned up the mess so that I could explore the vehicle issues)

*I will now excuse you to go to the bathroom to empty your stomach*

Welcome back... :) Now on the the original issue before Ava so rudely interrupted... ;)

1st things 1st, it only took a peak to figure out there was DEFINITELY something leaking and it wasn't condensation. It was steady dripping. I then backed the van up so I could try to figure out what the dripping fluid was... my description at the time was, "it smells like fuel but looks like oil." I pulled back into the spot & check the oil- it wasn't empty but it was really low. My gut was that it wasn't oil leaking but really, what do I know? Yeah, pretty much NOTHIN. I called Michael back, feeling a bit anxious at this point with the possibility of a fuel leak- I mean I have 3 little ones in this van- YIKES! When I finally get a hold of him, we determine it most likely is a fuel leak.

I know, I know. This doesn't seem like much of a testimony, right? We're getting there... :) The story is no good if I just skip to the end... gotta give him allll the glory He deserves :)

We start discussing the best options for what to do considering we are- minimum- 5 hours from either of our homes. Michael considers trying to find a way to Clarksburg while Lynz runs out to the parking lot to "ask the guy that looks like he might know of a good mechanic" where we could possibly take our van at lunch time on Saturday. Two separate people offer up the name of the same shop so we feel confident enough to give them a call. The shop is very close by and both Michael and the mechanic I spoke with seemed sure that we'd be safe to drive it over. 

At this point, I am nearly sick to my stomach thinking about loading my kids up in this fuel leaking vehicle but feeling left with no other choice. So, we finish lunch and make our way over to the shop. At this point my digital thing in the van says something like 8 miles to empty. Seriously though, this was the least of my worries. I am in knots over this fuel leak & my little passengers. I am not kidding you, the gut feeling was so awful. Literally, all I could do was pray in my heart of hearts for protection. I was praying in the spirit and trying to trust the Lord.

Obviously, we made over there in one piece. Within just a few minutes of putting the van on the lift, the mechanic returns the following exchange occurs:

Mech. "You were driving on borrowed time."

Me: "What do you mean? What is wrong with it?"

Mech. "Literally, if you refused to let us do the work, I wouldn't let you drive out of here in this vehicle."

Me: "Okay, so what's the deal?"

Mech. "You have a fuel leak and it was dripping down right over the exhaust which has a hole in it. You are very lucky."

WHOA! Not what a mama wants to hear. I was shocked but the weight of it didn't really hit me until later when I was thinking back on it. So let's just call this little happening, YAY, God #2.

The leak was fixed within an hour & bonus, we also got the oil changed :) All was well but we were still super low on fuel. Unfortunately, the shop was not also a gas station so off we went back across the road to find some gasoline.

The first place we came to had a parking lot that was so full of cars & so messy, we didn't even attempt to pull in. We continued on down the road hoping to get there before I ran completely out of gas... that little digital reminder was now on ZERO.  Finally, we see a sign but quickly realize their parking lot is just as full... there was literally the sweetest gas station attendant attempting to direct traffic in & out of this place. It was an absolute mad house!  I am saying, Please Lord, don't let us run out of gas. It is so hot that no ac + 3 children will = disaster. 

Lynz jumps out of the van to ask the attendant if she will get us into the lot hastily as we are about to run out & have 3 babies in the car. She graciously gets us in line. We pretty much sat in that parking lot for an hour. Here's the good part... Not once did I turn the van off. Not once did I turn down the ac. And let me tell you, we didn't sit there with it reading zero. Nope. The van didn't die. And the number actually went up. Yes, UP. To FOUR. I wish I had thought to take a pic of that... for proof. But I'm not lying. I promise. We ended up getting premium gas because by the time we got to the pump they were out of everything else. Turns out, due to the previously mentioned storms, this was the only exit within 200 mi with electic/fuel. By the time we left, the line was at least 3 hours long. It was crazy.

A cool side-note, we didn't need any fuel again for the remainder of the trip and I had just under 1/2 a tank when I got to Lexington. Usually if we don't fill up again, the tank is pretty much on E.

Time and again, I am beginning to recognize the Lord working in, through & around me. I can't deny his power because I've seen it at work. He IS my provider. He DOES love me. Like crazy loves me. He protects and he cares. And as special as these things are to my heart, He can do SO much more. 

May I encourage you to have faith. Trust Him. 

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

(Matthew 7:9-11 ESV)

Can I get an AMEN?!

In Need of a Vent.

Much of the time I try to keep my blog relatively positive... which as of late, hasn't been all that difficult. The Lord has truly blessed my heart so much it could burst! He is so wonderful. Today, I'm letting off a little steam from the past few days...

Sunday night the kids & I returned from our trip to Kentucky... I promise to write about that little adventure very soon! Monday morning was reality check. Apparently, my son left his manners, obedience & overall kindness in Kentucky. It has been terrible! He pretty much is convinced he runs this place & can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. You guys, I'm about to lose it! When he isn't completely ignoring me, he is making some smart remark or just being mean. I really don't get it. I feel terrible that when Michael calls or texts to see how the kids are, I don't have much good to say. I don't like to have to be super strict and grouchy but man oh man, he's left me no choice. 

For instance, yesterday he literally was jumping off of our entertainment center... and not alone. He had Lilly doing it with him. REALLY, son?! Like when are you EVER aloud to do that??? Yeah, never! 

Or how about the new (to us) easel that Aunt B bought for the kids... he and guess who... yep, LILLY were jumping off the little ledge where markers & chalk should be resting. 

OH! and I looked outside to check on him- he'd been out there all of 2 mins- he was sitting ON TOP OF THE VAN!!! My bp is rising just thinking about it! 

"WHAT are you doing up there???"

(with a big smile) "Ah... I just looove sitting up here."

Of course, the girls are also being a bit crazy- not as crazy but not themselves. They have been whiney, clingy & beginning to really test mama. Some of it I think is just the beginning of natural (almost) 2yr old phases & some of it I think it very much learned from their brother. Yesterday afternoon was filled with just about an hour straight of crying & screaming little girls. Can someone give me some hearing aids just so I can turn them down?! They'd had a good long nap so I don't know what their deals were. Thank you Jesus for "Action Bible Songs." That DVD saved.my.life. (and my ears)!

There are so many more examples some worse than the above mentioned, some not so bad (like the 3rd time I pulled gum off of Ava's paci yesterday) but all of them put together and I'm at my wits end.  I'm tired. I'm worn out. Ready for a vacation of complete solitude. 

This morning I had hoped would be the beginning of better... unfortunately, it was not. Malakai was at his testing ways once again. I'm trying to be consistant and stick to my word which equated him losing privileges to some little army men that he was refusing to clean up. Do you actually want to read what all transpired? Probably not. Basically what it comes down to is that even once 1/2 the army men were gone and everything was picked up, he continued to test me & throw an all out screaming fit. Which of course, sent him to his room with the door closed.... it was draining but I didn't give in. He finally calmed down & has been more pleasant since. 

At the end of the whole charade, I knew I needed to calm my nerves & bring some semblance of peace back to our home so... what did I do? I prayed. I prayed for peace and I prayed for patience. I prayed with him and for him. I prayed for his sisters. I prayed for his mama.

This morning I finished the 2nd round of #shereadstruth all about surrendering to Jesus. The Lord brought to mind the song, I Surrender All and I began to write it out as a statement of faith. I don't completely live those words out in every moment & circumstance but the truth never waivers. My friend said the other day, 

"Sometimes the truth is easier believed than felt."

How true that has been for me these past couple of days. I will continue to believe and speak truth... the feelings don't always have to be there. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

All to him I freely give;

I will ever love & trust him

In his presence daily live.

As his feet I lay my children, my husband, my needs & my feelings. 

Held So Dear

A few months ago, as some of you may remember, Malakai graciously gave up all of his pacifiers to the Paci Fairy. We were so proud of him! He didn't even really fight it too much- I was actually shocked by how easy the whole process was. I was prepared for a couple of rough nights & long nap processes. I was pleasantly surprised to not deal with any of that- for the most part, anyway :)

But...

Michael & I discovered something last night. No, he wasn't sneaking a paci every night. He had just replaced the comfort.

It all started when...

Daddy had just finished the usual bedtime routine with little man... water, story, pray, night-night.  Malakai had the sudden urge to potty- i.e. prolong going to sleep. When he finished, I took him back to bed because he always likes to get covered up. Just as I was saying "love you, nighty night," he yelled in a pretty nasty way at me, "I LEFT MY WATER IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!" I reminded him that he doesn't need to yell at me that way and gave him an opportunity to correct the tone & ask for his water nicely. He didn't so I left the room.

That's when the wailing and yelling began. Daddy went in and let him know that was unacceptable and had a conversation about why he didn't have his water & explained that he needed to use nice words. He then said he wanted to ask me for it nicely so I decided to show some grace & give him another chance. Instead, he chose smugly to tell me, "I don't care about it." I was pretty shocked but hello, he's human & has a sinful heart just like I do. I left the room.

Thus began worse wailing, screaming, yelling, demanding. It was craziness! There was so reasoning. He was well beyond that. Michael went in again because he was seriously going to wake his sisters up. He kept saying he wanted to ask nicely for it but he had lost that privilege at this point and even when we gave him the opportunity, he still didn't do it. He was unconsolable and said his feelings were hurt and he just really wanted his water.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, this was 1st of all, a battle of wills. I know that because I know my son. This was a test. I'd say, we passed. However, I also know his crying and Michael and I both had the sense that this became more than just a battle of the will. When he comes in our room in the middle of the night, 2 things always accompany him- #1 his blanket, #2 his sippy cup of water. Occasionally, Buzz or Curious George are in hand but always, always, blankie & cup. I never really thought much about it until last night. Who knew something as silly as a cup could be a comfort? Weird. My son is weird.

This got me thinking... What things do I hold so dear to my heart that when removed would leave me  wailing & kicking my feet? I mean that (mostly) figuratively.  Relationships? T.V.? Phone? Internet? I know last week I had a splitting headache from 2 (unintentional) days without coffee. (pathetic, I know) Are there things, that if the Lord directed, I'd be unwilling to surrender? Is my attitude robbing me of abundant blessings from the Lord?

"He who has clean hands & a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false & does not swear deceitfully, He will receive blessing from the Lord.

  Psalm 24:4 (ESV)

This is something the Lord has been laying on my heart for the past couple of weeks. The devotional I've been doing, Soul Detox, gave this little check list to help test out some of the things that may be choking my spiritual health.

1. Am I being entertained by sin?

2. Is it pleasing to God?

3. Does this lure me away from Christ?

So, Malakai, I get it. Sometimes it's hard to deal with the consequences of our sin & sometimes it's hard to give things up that are special to us. Not sure how a cup makes you feel safer but we're all in this life together, learning & growing.

And buddy, you may be weird but ask anyone, they'll let you know, 

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree 

:)

Life Giving

How often do we look around and the junk begins to overwhelm?

You feel it happening. 

It creeps up like a weed; starting small and growing until you begin to suffocate. 

Sometimes it's big stuff but more often, it's all the little things. 

And enter: grumbling. 

Out come the toxic thoughts that have  been stirring- filling your heart & mind.

Who receives the blunt of it? 

Of course- those that matter most.

 The husband. The son. The daughters. 

The ones you cherish. 

The ones you love so much your heart could burst.

The 'Old' self showing up to bring destruction.

So what are you going to do about it?

How are you going to put out the old?

Jesus makes me new.

So how are you going to embrace the New?

Thank you Jesus for the truth of your word...

A kingdom divided against itself is laid waste & no city or house divided against itself will stand.

(Matthew 12:25 ESV)

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

(Ephesians 4:29 ESV) 

Speak TRUTH in LOVE.

Be willing & open to speak life.

Recognize & speak to the 

EVIDENCES OF GRACE

in people's lives as you see them.

Some life-giving words for my family...

Dear Husband,

I love you. I know I do not always show it in the right ways but I do. You are a good man. You bless me, daily. You have a servant's heart and I learn so much from you. You have gift of loving people. This week, today, I want to thank you. Thank you for washing the dishes and cleaning kitchen. Thank you for putting dinner away. Those are small things but sometimes it is the small stuff that says the most. Thank you for getting up every morning & going to work. You are such a hard worker and are doing your best to provide for our family. My desire is to honor & respect you. You are a living example of a good man for our son. Your love for your daughters will spur them to never settle for anything less than a man that cherishes them like their Daddy. Thank you for doing your best as you lead our family. I love you always. Really. Really.

Dear Malakai,

Mommy loves you more than you know. I am so proud of the sweet boy you are developing into. It brings my heart joy to see your smiles & your precious belly laughs. Today we left the playground and you didn't complain. Most of the time, I can count on you to do not complain when I say it is time to go. That makes me so proud. Watching you love on you little sisters could just make me burst! It is such a wonderful thing to hear you sing to them & express your love to them. They absolutely adore you. I hope we always do a good job of pointing you to Jesus & telling you how much you are loved. Your love for people is such a wonderful gift & I hope you hold on to that. It makes me smile to see you talk to everyone as if you'd always known them. God is going to use you in BIG ways, Little Man. Can't wait to see it all unfold.

Dear Ava,
I love you dearly. The Lord knew what he was doing when he brought your sweet little life into mine. You are so smart! I just love how intuitive you are and how you already show signs of being a "little mama." I can see gifts beginning to develop. Thank you for always giving the sweetest lovies to your brobro & sister. I pray for the Lord to give me wisdom as I have the beautiful opportunity of training up two beautiful girls. May the Lord turn your little heart toward his. May you receive all that He has for you. I love you, baby girl.


Dear Lillian,
I love you, sweet baby. You are so precious! It is amazing to see you grow and learn new things daily. You are always listening & absorbing like a sponge. It is evident that you have an adventurous spirit in you. I look forward to seeing how the Lord develops that in you. I love how you have such a special relationship with your sister. You know what you want & will work hard to get it. God is going to use you in some big ways, girl! I pray that I can help steer you always toward Jesus and his will for your life. Your laugh, humor & affection are beautiful love letters from Jesus every day. Thank you for being such a blessing to my life. I love you, Lilly girl.


These little love notes are hopefully just the beginning of training my heart to recognize all the beautiful evidences of grace in the lives closest to me. The Lord is working in my heart to speak words of life to those around me. It is so easy to allow the complaints & negative junk around me flow from my mouth rather than putting them to death. Thank you, Jesus that your truth equals life, freedom, peace & joy!

Carried

I've been working on the same blog post for like 2 or 3 days... but I guess it just hasn't felt right. (and it isn't this one... it is still sitting in my drafts). Oddly, it isn't anything serious or controversial. It just didn't seem to be coming together. 

SO...

I'm starting over.

Saving that one for another day.

Or never.

Here's the real deal. I've actually had a lot of pretty good days. With the kids. In my heart. Even the weather has been A-Mazing. Not to say, all the circumstances surrounding me have been perfect. 2 of my 3 children have decided to contract some kind of yuck. Their tummies are yuck & they've been low-grade feverish (well low-grade except for 102.8 temp - thank you, Malakai- on Monday night). The laundry is quickly piling up... a nighttime mishap (the 3yr old) & a naptime nightmare (aka- Lilly removed her dirty diaper), in addition to the normal collection of clothes, certainly leave me really wishing I didn't have to cart my laundry out. boo. 

All those things certainly are kind of blah and I've had "my moments" but somehow, the Lord is truly sustaining me. I feel like I've picked up the same toys, the same diapers, the same dishes, a thousand times  but this is where we are right now. I am excited for vacation at the end of July... BEACH! HOLLER! But dreading the fact that my husband will have to work for most of it because he doesn't have enough vacation time to take a week off. He works so hard and not only deserves it but could really use some relaxing time. At this point, I'm not seeing that happen.

It's where we are. 

Doesn't mean my wheels don't spin on how I can make things better. 

BUT...

The Lord is revealing to me more & more the importance of relying on him for everything. Trusting him in ALL things. Trusting him in the midst of my chaos. Allowing him to be my peace. Learning to find the stillness in the storms. He IS faithful. He IS good. He IS trustworthy.

I have so many irrational fears. And even some rational fears. At least according to the flesh. This is what God says...

Then the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth & teach you what you shall speak."

Exodus 4:11,12

I was SO encouraged by this! The Lord told this to Moses when he doubted if the people would believe that He was coming on behalf of the LORD. God essentially said, I got your back. I will prove myself. I will be glorified through you.

This week I've been memorizing this scripture:

Such a beautiful encouragement that this world is not our home. 

He is good.

Flesh has nothing on me.

This world has nothing on me.

He is always with me.

He protects me.

Thank you, Jesus.

Let me encourage us with this ...

This life is a journey.

Do your best to enjoy it.

Look up.

Breath in the fresh air.

Walk with him.

When you can't walk any farther,

Trust Him to carry you.