Vulnerable

Not Sure I Should Click Publish

Hearts are a funny thing.

I'm being totally honest when I say, this is more of a struggle for me to publish than my "belly" post so bear with me.

The past couple of posts I've mentioned the 10 Days of Intentional Parenting series featured over on the inspirational blog, Finding Joy- seriously, if you haven't clicked over, do it. Now! (but at least come back and finished reading this post later) Day 2 encourages you to write a letter of encouragement to yourself. I never, ever expected it to be so challenging. I feel like so much of what I've written so far, are just words on paper. I don't necessarily feel them in my heart. At least not yet. If the instructions were to write an encouraging letter to a fellow mom/friend- easy peasy- no bigs and I could believe every word of it.

I realized after draft 392, my letter needed to begin this way,

Dear Sarah,
You are your own worst enemy. You're making the enemy's job too easy. Stop listening to the lies. Stop believing the lies. 

JESUS is the way, the TRUTH and the LIFE! Follow Him. Rest in HIM. He loves you with an everlasting love. Believe that.

Isn't it so true? Too many mornings I wake up tired and discouraged before I even raise my head out of bed. I'm not talking depression but already realizing I am going to have to hand wash cups because the night before I wrote a blog instead of cleaning my kitchen after the children were in bed. "Sarah, you should have taken that time to be productive. Why are you so lazy? Great way to show love to your family."  


Those are not life giving words. Not even a little bit. And those are not the worst.

He creates all things beautiful. You are beautiful in His sight. You are exactly the Momma that Malakai, Ava & Lillian need. You are exactly the wife God intends for Michael. You have purpose. You are a gift. You are loved.

Life. Grace. Gospel truth.

The past couple of years have been full. Sometimes I wonder if I even fully grasp the life we've been living. When people tell me I'm brave or hard working- I honestly don't know what to say. I try to receive it and give God the glory but inside it confuses me. He has carried us through the toughest times and let me tell you, it could have been a lot "worse". Worse doesn't even seem like the right word because I truly feel so blessed.

You are brave. You work very, very hard. And it isn't in vain. Your plate may be full but the weight isn't on your shoulders. Stop trying trying to carry it alone. Rest. Rest in Him for He cares for you. Trust him with everything. 

Slowly but surely the truth is there. His spirit is in me and when I listen I can hear his still small voice.

Home. This is where you struggle the most, Sarah. In your mind you hold a dream... full of expectations... only to realize where you fall short. You desire a safe place. A peaceful haven. You want it to be something your family looks forward to. Those things are not built on cleaning, organizing, or any of the mundane tasks you feel so required to accomplish in order to not be a screw up. The foundation is found in Jesus. He is your peace. Show them Jesus. It is okay to mess up. Practice grace. Practice forgiveness.

 A good friend just recently said this, "Trying to clean a house while raising small children is like shoveling sidewalks while it's still snowing." So when the tornadoes follow you from room to room, breathe them in. Seasons change far too quickly- especially when children are involved so take it all in. Thank Jesus for the hole in your foot from stepping on the army mans. Blink and that plastic toy soldier may suddenly be your little boy.  

Breathe it in like the crisp fall air. 

So this is where I am right now. There are so many other things I could say but I'm going to stop here. Maybe this will bless some one out there. I don't know but I knew I needed to write it. Truly, this time in my life feels like it is flying by but I am loving this season. My family are my favorite people. Most days, I'd be content to spend being together- the 5 of us... doing anything or nothing at all.

This week has brought me so many opportunities... I am thankful for Finding Joy and the intentionality she is bringing to my parenting. Thankful for toes. Thankful for little hands. Thankful for my friends that draw near when my husband is away. Thankful for grace.

"But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in Him for eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:16 (ESV) 

Love,
Me