Today started rough. Actually if we rewind to yesterday, it started then. Okay so, maybe its been building for a while. My little guy is 2. He's smart (a little too smart sometimes). He's funny and even hilarious. He is a joy, a hugger, a jokester. While, he isn't bad and is far from the worst, he is definitely two! Oh boy is he ever 2. And I am definitely a mom of 3 under 3. Most days we get through the rough patches unscathed. Today, I wasn't so sure that would be the case.
So yesterday.
Really as I sit here writing this I can't even think of why it was so rough except to say that as I was laying in my little guy's toddler bed next to him praying, my heart was suddenly broken. And it still kind of is. Broken for the number of times I raised my voice to that cutie little face. Broken for the anger I felt at times towards him and his behavior. Broken knowing I hadn't been loving him like God loves me. Broken realizing that tomorrow when he wakes up, he will smile and be so happy to see despite my lack of care for his spirit. Broken knowing these were the memories I was building for him in his early childhood. Fearful that my lunatic screams would be all he remembers.
So what did I do? I prayed. I prayed for Jesus, the Prince of Peace, to restore order and peace in our home. I prayed for protection over my son's heart... protection from me. (Learned that one from my daddy) I prayed against chaos and fear. I prayed for our home to be a beakon of christ's love and grace and peace. I prayed for a gentle and quiet spirit. I just prayed.
Walking out of his room I felt like things were different. Like tomorrow we would have a new day, a new beginning, a chance to do it all right. And then tomorrow came. Boy did it come... And I wanted yesterday. He was on a mission. Maybe a mission for the most spanks in one day. Possibly a mission to see how quickly he could have his mommy committed. Perhaps a mission to just irritate the heck out of everyone in the house. (Or maaaaaybe just being 2 and testing every limit possible... just because that's what 2 yr olds do). Either way, the craziness was happening and it was leaving me defeated. And frustrated. And feeling like a failure. I was failing my kids, my husband, my God and myself. All before 10 a.m.!
Two things happened. Friends and coffee. I text my dear friend kelly to ask her to sit wth the girls while they napped so I could go to the grocery. And then I made coffee. By the time she came down, I had talked to the hubs and had 1/2 a cup of coffee in me. She suggested I leave the boy with her- thank you Jesus forgood brave friends! I didn't hesitate! Who knew walmart grocery isles were the perfect place for alone time???
The remainder of my day was most certainly better than the start but it wasn't perfect. I tried not to raise my voice so much and I actually don't think he got any more spankings. As I sat down after the kids were all tucked away, I suddenly felt this overwhelming love. Love for that sweet boy I had just put to sleep while praying with him. Love for those 2 sweet sleeping baby girls. And I knew. I knew that jesus loves me. I knew that I had been blessed with 3...THREE of the most precious gifts a human being could ever receive. I was left speechless knowing that jesus loves me so much that even in my failed attempts at loving my children I was his precious gift and he reminded me that he still loves me- no. matter. what. He is who gives me the capacity to love. Wow.
When I got in the shower I realized 2 things...
First, I can do nothing without christ. He is the finished work. I can, however, do all things through christ who strengthens me.
Second, the enemy wants nothing more than for me to accept defeat and be crushed by my own frustration. The thing is: I am not defeated-he is! I am more than a conqueror in christ jesus. No, get this, NO weapon formed against me will prosper!!!
We will receive peace in our home and reject chaos. I will love my family more today than I did yesterday. And if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack.
Joy- I'm taking you back! I'm choosing to rest in jesus.
Nehemiah 6:3 "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."
This thing called motherhood is a great work and is not for quitters. I will not come down. I will not be defeated. Lord willing, I'm gonna keep on building this wall.
**If you actually read all of this, God bless ya :-)
(The Nehemiah mention was not fully an original thought but was inspired by this post from another blogger over at Letters to Ames.)
So yesterday.
Really as I sit here writing this I can't even think of why it was so rough except to say that as I was laying in my little guy's toddler bed next to him praying, my heart was suddenly broken. And it still kind of is. Broken for the number of times I raised my voice to that cutie little face. Broken for the anger I felt at times towards him and his behavior. Broken knowing I hadn't been loving him like God loves me. Broken realizing that tomorrow when he wakes up, he will smile and be so happy to see despite my lack of care for his spirit. Broken knowing these were the memories I was building for him in his early childhood. Fearful that my lunatic screams would be all he remembers.
So what did I do? I prayed. I prayed for Jesus, the Prince of Peace, to restore order and peace in our home. I prayed for protection over my son's heart... protection from me. (Learned that one from my daddy) I prayed against chaos and fear. I prayed for our home to be a beakon of christ's love and grace and peace. I prayed for a gentle and quiet spirit. I just prayed.
Walking out of his room I felt like things were different. Like tomorrow we would have a new day, a new beginning, a chance to do it all right. And then tomorrow came. Boy did it come... And I wanted yesterday. He was on a mission. Maybe a mission for the most spanks in one day. Possibly a mission to see how quickly he could have his mommy committed. Perhaps a mission to just irritate the heck out of everyone in the house. (Or maaaaaybe just being 2 and testing every limit possible... just because that's what 2 yr olds do). Either way, the craziness was happening and it was leaving me defeated. And frustrated. And feeling like a failure. I was failing my kids, my husband, my God and myself. All before 10 a.m.!
Two things happened. Friends and coffee. I text my dear friend kelly to ask her to sit wth the girls while they napped so I could go to the grocery. And then I made coffee. By the time she came down, I had talked to the hubs and had 1/2 a cup of coffee in me. She suggested I leave the boy with her- thank you Jesus for
The remainder of my day was most certainly better than the start but it wasn't perfect. I tried not to raise my voice so much and I actually don't think he got any more spankings. As I sat down after the kids were all tucked away, I suddenly felt this overwhelming love. Love for that sweet boy I had just put to sleep while praying with him. Love for those 2 sweet sleeping baby girls. And I knew. I knew that jesus loves me. I knew that I had been blessed with 3...THREE of the most precious gifts a human being could ever receive. I was left speechless knowing that jesus loves me so much that even in my failed attempts at loving my children I was his precious gift and he reminded me that he still loves me- no. matter. what. He is who gives me the capacity to love. Wow.
When I got in the shower I realized 2 things...
First, I can do nothing without christ. He is the finished work. I can, however, do all things through christ who strengthens me.
Second, the enemy wants nothing more than for me to accept defeat and be crushed by my own frustration. The thing is: I am not defeated-he is! I am more than a conqueror in christ jesus. No, get this, NO weapon formed against me will prosper!!!
We will receive peace in our home and reject chaos. I will love my family more today than I did yesterday. And if the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack.
Joy- I'm taking you back! I'm choosing to rest in jesus.
Nehemiah 6:3 "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."
This thing called motherhood is a great work and is not for quitters. I will not come down. I will not be defeated. Lord willing, I'm gonna keep on building this wall.
**If you actually read all of this, God bless ya :-)
(The Nehemiah mention was not fully an original thought but was inspired by this post from another blogger over at Letters to Ames.)
I did read the whole thing! I can say with certainty that our own Mommy must be so proud to have raised you to be the mother that YOU are. I know how proud I am to be your sister, and I will keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBaby boy (I had to check to see if you used his name, can't remember in general!) is a blessing, and even though he's a stinker sometimes, I love his lively imagination, his curiousity, and his non-stop commentary on life!
I did read the whole thing! I can say with certainty that our own Mommy must be so proud to have raised you to be the mother that YOU are. I know how proud I am to be your sister, and I will keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBaby boy (I had to check to see if you used his name, can't remember in general!) is a blessing, and even though he's a stinker sometimes, I love his lively imagination, his curiousity, and his non-stop commentary on life!
Yes, I have used his name... just didn't on this post :) Thank you though :) Very kind words :)
ReplyDelete