Saturday, October 29, 2011

It still hurts

As many of you know, the baby girls have a birthday coming up. Its so hard to believe they will be a year old in 2 weeks.

So for most of the evening last night and most of my free time today, I've been pulling photos of the girls from the past year. It has been fun to look through the photos and see how much they've grown and remember all the fun stuff we've done. I just a had one more folder to tackle before beginning the design for their baby books... their birth photos. Some of the photos I can't even look at for more than a second because all the emotions, fears, frustrations and pain come flooding back. I sit here writing this in tears. There have been numerous times I've wanted to sit down and write their birth story but couldn't. The words aren't there. I realize that from an outsider (like any one outside of my head) you would hear/read the story and say that isn't so bad. Especially for twins, the birth went rather smooth. We never faced the NICU. The girls were healthy. They were strong.

But my heart hurts.

I'm still not ready to write it all out. But I think I will be soon. Most of the time, I don't even think about it. I can't go there. Looking through the photos brought back emotions that I didn't know still felt so near... it seems dramatic but it took me off guard.

So I sit here in tears hoping I can finish pulling photos so I can make their books.

I suppose I just don't understand why I can't just be content with it. I mean, it is what it is. There is no changing the past. I know that God is sovereign. I know that all things work together for good to those that love him and are called according to his purpose. I know that.

I just don't know why it still hurts so much. Why I feel so... cheated.

But they are healthy and beautiful and almost ONE!

Truly, I feel blessed.


  1. You feel those things because they are REAL. God is sovereign, indeed, but we are still human. And as we walk through those things we hopefully eventually come out saying "Your will be done". I sit here with my wonderful miracle son and I still feel cheated and sad for so many reasons. But we press on because we love our Lord, we love our children and we trust. :)
    Love you!!!! Praying for you!!

  2. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. And no matter what the story I'll be here for you/support you 100% once you feel ready to tell it. <3


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