Far too often that is what I feel. Inadequate as a wife, a mama, a friend. Inadequate as a christian. Inadequate as a photographer. Inadequate as a blogger. Inadequate.
Sometimes I fear I will fail at everything I put my hand to. Sometimes I think it would be better to never even try. At least then I wouldn't be able to let anyone down- namely myself. Often, my mind comes up with good, creative ideas and I never voice it. No one can reject an idea they never hear. I can't fail at it if I never go for it.
As I laid in bed last night (waaay too late, thanks Amanda :)), the enemy was hard at work. Have you ever realized that the enemy can count on us to be our own worst enemy? Often times he doesn't have to do anything at all before we have already defeated ourselves.
The Holy Spirit revealed that to me last night. It isn't the first time I've thought about it. I KNOW it. He is the opposite of God- the hater of my soul. Too often, I let him win. I let my flesh win. I listen to the lies.
Not today. I'm not letting him win. The reality, the truth is this, Jesus loves me. The Holy Spirit is with me. He has gone before me. I have nothing to fear because Jesus is good and would not lead me into a trap. Jesus is a winner and I am his. He never fails. I'm not listening to the lies today.
Yesterday I had a choice. I already went 2 days without taking any photos of strangers and I could see disappointment in the very near future. And I was kicking myself for even mentioning it. Why? Why did I have to put it out there. Now, not only would I be failing myself but I'd be showing the world what a stinking jerk I am.
These are the thoughts that were flooding me. These are the lies. The enemy wanted me to give up.
But the Holy Spirit is with me. He has called me. Called me as a wife, mama and friend. Called me as a christian, photographer and blogger. I am called.
This is what HE tells me about those who are called:
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
He prepares, I walk. That is truth.
He has equipped me to do anything He calls me to do.
When I walk in Him and rest in Him and I find peace.
With Him, I am adequate.
So yesterday, I took my camera with me to the park. I met 4 people. Photographed 3 people. 3 strangers. It was a start. My insides were shaking but I took photos. I'm so glad I did. I can't promise it will be easier next time but at least the ice is broken :)